Boys will be boys
and occasionally,
they will be men.

But you,
you were always
the right combination
of both.

Making me feel
in those moments,
consumed by laughter,
( yours a quiet body shaking cackle
mine a devious bubble of sound )
like a playful little girl
in some continuous game of
'wash these cracked dishes'
'fix a mud pie meal'  house.

I loved those nights
when we only slept
an hour or two,
awaking at five,
finding each other
somehow in the darkness.

I loved the way
you leaned into me,
pressing the back of my hips
against the front of yours.
letting me know
you were up.

I will never be able
to explain to you
the way my stomach
twisted
when
I felt
your hands
sneak around
my waist.

No nervousness,
but a deeper
want
than I'd ever
imagined.

And I would lie awake
at night
while you slept
with your head
on the curve
of my breasts,
listening
just listening
to the sound
of your breath.

I felt so much
tenderness
in those moments.

( cradling the head
of a man,
with the heart
of a little boy. )

I wanted to hold you
until the shaking

s t o p p e d .

And I would never
fall asleep,
afraid I might miss
a little
piece
of you
that crept
out in such darkness

a word
a turn
a sigh
an inhale

anything
that whispered
of you.

Mornings
spent in bed laughing
( we always woke up aroused and laughing. )

My toes
catching
your legs
off guard.

Your fingers
on my thighs
in retaliation,

pinching turned to caressing
as we traced every weakness
every hurt
every lost dream
settled underneath the skin.

But I was just a little girl,
in love with a man
who dreamed like a hurt boy.



You'll never know how much I wanted our Boxcar Children game to last. )