it's not easy
to find love

maybe it's easier
to find a job
god
car keys
jimmy hoffa
a nice city to live in &
the perfect tulle skirt.

i thought i had
found it once, underneath
flannel shirt sleeves, between
neck & abdomen, buried
in the chest of a man
but slippery & out of reach
it wasn't
love.

sometimes he would kiss me
before we fucked
sometimes he wouldn't
& i'd be deafened by
the violent crashing
of our bodies; mine which
demanded love, tried to
pump it out of his skin, attempted to
pry it from his ribcage, his
which held back, which
always held back,
refused
said over & over again
i'll not give in
i'll not
love you.

it's not easy to find love.
the kind that won't threaten
to cum all over the brand new sheets
your mother gave you
or the kind that won't
refuse to answer blocked calls
when you're in the same room
& wondering where he was
at 3 a.m.

it's not easy but
when it comes
maybe it will come with
a book by cynthia nelson
avocados, ripe ripe tomatoes
maybe it will cook for you
call you beautiful
touch your back as you tie your shoes
maybe it will hold your face in its hands
& tell you how perfect you are
at 6 a.m. with pajamas & bedhead
maybe it will curl up next to you
on white sheets
read bukowski & e.e.
listen to stories about your dad
about your mom

maybe it will allow you to reclaim your past
forget about the fuck ups, forgive the ones
who couldn't love you

or maybe it just kisses you
over & over
says it's o.k.
it's o.k.

then smiles..
bex box : poetry : it's not easy to find love
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